Who I am today is a function of who I’ve allowed influence me, the knowledge I have acquired and the decisions I have made.
Today, I am this young woman; kind and soft- hearted, God passionate, vision motivated, future-oriented, dogged; even at the wrong times, insatiable thirst for attainment – it gnaws at me.
Today, I growing woman of 20 with flaws that daily tear at me. I know who and what I want to be but I’m bothered by the how.
I long to feel the savour of life but I’m impeded by my daily ‘need-to-do’s that burden my heart, dampen my spirit and never run out but mount as each one gets accomplished. I live fearing what taking a day off would cost me. I consider each idle moment and get anxious that a part of my lifetime is slipping by.
I must have forgotten how to heartily enjoy laughing and chatting with loved ones. Actually chatting away, telling stories that gladden the heart and laughing at our past experiences. All these without for once thinking of what measurable productive act I should be engaged in.
I’d love to go out to have fun, but denying my self has become habitual, I’m likely to not do the fun thing right and return home dissatisfied.
Mixing up feels good, but it’s such a push. It’s easier to stay in the background and give cute smiles now and then.
Meeting people can be exciting and helpful for a strong network. But I’m going to create an impression right? Preferably a good one. I’m not ready for that. Expectations can be troubling.
Hanging out and spending time with that old friend or acquaintance is a cool thing to do and it’s fun as well. But…
That’s moving out of my comfort zone. I’m not sure who you expect to meet. And what are we going to do? Walk around? Sit to eat? Sigh, these would only take us faster to the awkward silence times we’re already likely to have. It’s safer to hang out with a very close friend. I can be or look silly and she’d only love me more. The stupider we decide to act the more fun we have ( yet this is within limits as we happen to be sensible individuals). Just being with her/him would gladden the hearts of us both wherever we choose, even our homes.
I should get a life! Explore, be young, live.
What’s going to happen to all my buts? They dwell in my head, they occupy my mind, they determine how I live, they form my personality.
How do I deal with them? Maybe I should just forget them. Let go.
But, how do I do that?
And what about the costs I’d bear if I do? I’m not even sure they matter so much.
How do I live with my buts?